Yep, you heard right. The "D" word.
Today I decided that I had enough.
This has been long in the making, but three things in the last 24 hours just topped it off.
I want to divorce myself. (Not sure how that's going to work.)
I want to be completely rid of my old nature.
To remove everything in my life that is hindering my run towards Christ.
To become the servant of God that He intended instead of being caught up in the here, now, and what's going to "make me happy" (but never does).
I want to be committed and compassionate.
Focussed and disciplined.
Pursuing things that actually matter.
To be available for God to use.
To learn to listen to and live by the Spirit.
To be able to help others.
To bring glory to God in all that I say, do, think, and feel.
To be a mirror that when others see me, they are directed to Christ because rather than see me, they see His reflection.
Not to be tied to stuff, but to live with open hands.
Not to fear rejection or pain, but to love all with an open heart.
Not to cling to the ignorance that may shroud tradition and not to recklessly reject what may be correct, but to grow closer and closer to God each day as I learn with an open mind.
If you think of me, prayers are appreciated. Divorce is hard. And it will probably be a long process.
I'm going to have to figure out what all belongs to who (old nature or new). And what is worth fighting for.
Some of it's already been decided, like the impatience, the anger, the nasty remarks and comebacks, the bitterness, the unforgiveness, the discontent, the harsh tones of voice, the pride, and the hostile attitude all has to move out with old nature. I try to pack them up, but they can be like pesky cats escaping their crates.
Some of it is a bit of a gray zone. Like being vegan. And being so intrigued with art.
And every once in a while I see glimpses of those things that are definitely not of me but of the Spirit and that reminds me again how important it is that old nature move out as soon as possible so that the Spirit has more room to grow those traits in me.
How? I'm still not sure, but I've got to try.
"...So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.
ReplyDeleteTherefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit." (Romans 7:21-8:4)
Hey, at least you know you're in good company! Paul experienced the same thing! Life as a believer: death to self, the crucifixion of who we are, to be raised with all that Christ is. My prayer is that you continue to discover this for the rest of your life. I love you! I'm praying for you! :)