Trying

My friend,

You can conquer the world. 

Life is never as bad as it seems to be. 

Dreams are not dreamt, if not meant to be. 

Never despair. 

Cast every care aside. 

It's onward and upward from here. 

Take every goal in stride. 

Pull yourself back on your feet. 

I've got your back and we've got a world to meet. 

They may not always be nice, 

but then again we are not mice. 

They expect us to thrash and kill and destroy, 

but we'll show them love and peace and joy. 

Our tempers must be calmed, 

our smiles genuine, 

our purpose evident. 

Neglect no one. 

Take the time for each, 

Filling them even when you feel empty. 

Loving even when bitterness surrounds you. 

Listening amidst the noise. 

Undistracted by the world's unsatisfying toys. 

Keep your mission in view 

wherever your Commander may send you. 

Greet the world with love.

That is what I would tell you.

But I am not you.

You are much more driven than I.

I am a dreamer

(and at times a schemer),

an idealist.

Living each day in blissful mist.

But sometimes the smoke clears

then I sink,

I drop

faster than a lead balloon,

as if stabbed by a sharp harpoon,

down to the depths of despair.

Here I rest.

Unknowing of the next step to take

not sure how to make the break,

how to take the step,

how to stop being paralyzed by this treacherous thing-

bound by the dreams and HABITS I've formed

brought to a place where I'm filled with self-scorn.

I don't know what to do or where to turn

I want to live

I want to love

I want every dream to come to life

I want to go spreading salt, being light.

Why then does my will take flight?

Where does it cower?

Why does it hide?

Am I forever destined a part on the sides?

Too scared to step forward?

To really make a difference?

Am I going to waste this gift of life?

When will I learn to truly take flight?

I don't want to fail again 

and feel as though that is all I can do now

I shoot for the stars and land in the dirt.

Over and over again.

A route to nothing.

A road to nowhere.

I'm stranded on an island-

an island of procrastination and fear.

Can I get over myself?

Set down my pride?

Accept imperfection without running to hide?

Stop being afraid to fail?

Fling myself into each thing completely?

If I try my dreams out, will I succeed?

I'm going to try trying.

Can I do two things at the same time? 

Could I minister to those around me? 

Is it bad to pursue that?

Can I follow through on my commitment to trying?

Realizations about Life, Science, and Art

I'm sorting through a lot about life right now and realized that I was equating science with intelligence. I know that that is ridiculous, but in my defense, I think it's a well perpetuated, if unspoken, lie. I grew up in the music world but even there I would kind of use science to measure a bit, like my mom was trying to decide whether to become a musician or a surgeon and decided on musician, but that somehow lent accreditation in my mind.

This sounds even more ridiculous as I continue on especially after having pursued science in my own life. Don't get me wrong- there are some very brilliant people doing some amazing things in science that I could never dream of even if I was a huge success in my field. But as a general rule, it seems like they have to put so much study into it that they lose their other facets. Now, if that's what you love- great! If it's not- ouch! And this is where I am finding I stand more and more.

I ran away from the art world as hard and fast as I could and have been quite miserable as a reward. People write off artists, but how often do we really appreciate their brilliance? Beethoven was deaf and still composing amazing orchestral work? Even Van Gogh gets a bad rap as some crazed painter when he was really a zealous, passionate man trying to do as much as he could while in the throws of epilepsy. You meet musicians who can pick up any instrument and be playing it well in a day or two. I love Celtic music and am always floored how when someone plays a piece once it's not just, "Oh, I think I played that once." instead it becomes part of who they are and they can play again and again from that point onward. Have you ever sat in on a jam session? Melodies intricately weave in and out among players like an elaborate dance and it's not rehearsed, a lot of times the people don't even know each other!

Why don't we give art it's due? It's not like it's just child's play. Just as in science, there are a myriad of things that I will never be able to accomplish in the art world. Now the question is can I separate my worth from that which I do or don't do?

For the Glory of God and the Exploration of Creativity

I start this blog to find my voice. There are times when I'm writing where I feel as though I am Eliza Doolittle with a mouth full of marbles, unable to properly communicate in the way that I would wish. Recently I have been reading of a new method of education that is being tried where art and creativity are the main focusses. I find this model quite intriguing and hope to apply a bit of it in my own life.

So now we delve into the unknown realm of my mind- at times well-ordered (though not very often), usually a bit confusing, seeing the world in broad idealistic brush strokes. I don't have a single subject I'm setting out to write on, rather I wish to touch some of all subjects, writing until I'm comfortable, to make it a second nature. You will hear some of God, I'm sure, for I love Him very much, and also will hear me rail about how I think life should be and trying to figure out why it isn't. I do not aim to offend, for truly most of my rants are actually aimed at myself.

I am a Christian foremost and then a dreamer. I seek my mission as God's ambassador, trying to love all that I meet with His love. I long to help people, but am unsure as to how to go about it. Welcome to my world!